Meryem Uzerli interview

I LOVED A MAN, ACTUALLY HE WAS NOT EXISTEND.
I’m with Meryem in Berlin.
We’re going to her “territories”…
Berlin is very vivid.
People are outside. Dancing Tango or taking sunbad on the meadow…
Meryem is no more Hürrem, not even a star, 31 years old and an unknown person.
She took me to the parks and Càfes, showed me her new home and told me her 3 years story in Turkey with her nice but broken Turkish, sometimes in german, sometimes in English….
She doesn’t want accuse anybody. She just want to tell her own story and turn a new page..
I felt she was honest all the time, told the truths.
Now read her story, I wonder what you feel about it..
*****
Ayse Arman: You left Turkey in May in a rush. We heard about “Burn-out syndrome”. Are you still under treatment? 

Meryem: yes but difficult days are over. I’m much more better now. I let cut my hair and now they are darker, back to my natural look. Now I ride bike very often. My treatment will go on till the end of the year.

A: How is the treatment?
M: in the first 15 days, I was in doctor’s custody. I had to get medicine first on chemical base, later herbal.

A: You will be expected in Turkey again, is there any possibility in that matter?

M: Not at the moment. Maybe next year. Who knows? But for Hürrem unlikely.

A: Your are one of the few foreigner in Turkey who has been really loved. Another one was the football player Alex. Were you aware of this?

M: No I wasn’t, but I appreciate it very much. I loved them either very much.

A: what is your secret? Honesty? Or just to be simply natural?
M: I don’t know, there is no secret. Maybe because of the honesty?, Maybe because of I don’t lie?

A: Do you feel more safety in Berlin ?

M: Not at the beginning. For example in the klinik, every time when ring belled, I was scared. I thought, they came from Turkey and will take me back. I wasn’t in my mind, that’s why I came to Germany. 
I know, there are also good hospitals and doctors in Turkey but I saw myselfconcerning my healthiness in danger , as my mother language is german, I thought, better to be in a hospital in Germany, because I’ve wanted to be understand by someone.

A: There were rumors about the money, you could say “No it’s not true”

M: There were too many news and rumors!! But I didn’t get energy to answer at that time, I was in bed and under treatment.

A: It’s bad for an actress to leave the series before finishing isn’t it?

M: yes, very much. I would never do that, I had only four episodes to perform but I couldn’t.

A: how is your personality in Berlin now?

M: I’m no more Hürrem. Now I’m Meryem again. It was about time to say goodbye to Hürrem. I didn’t want to look in the mirror and see Hürrem. Because of that I changed my looks.

A: Was performing Hürrem the most impressive role in your life?
M: Absolutly.

A: What’s the difference to live in Turkey and Germany?

M: I’m home here in Germany. My friends are here and my family. I know the city, I know every street. I’m not famous here just an ordinary person. I am not a star in Germany. An unknown and a free person , an 31 years old woman who will be soon mother in six months.

A: Do Germans know that you are a star in Turkey?

M: No, some knows that I participated in a TV-series in Turkey, I’ve even said I can show the DVD’s but just postponed. I live now a real life. In fact the star life is not real I would say..

A: Are you aware of the difficulties to be a single Mom?

M: Yes, sometimes I scare when I think about it. Simple way would be to abort the baby but I think all about beautiful things which we two will be experience, it will be worth of it. I am thinking I’m sure I’ll meet someone for a life in future.

A: Where do you want to raise your baby?

M: I would say, if Can and I, would have the same view, same philosophy of life and same belief, I could live in Turkey but this is unfortunately not possible after all what had happened. I will live in Germany. I bought a small flat here in Berlin but after I learned that I’m pregnant, I desided to by a bigger one. I’m sure after this interview there will be many news and rumors about me but I definitely will not say anything, I can’t comment everything. I know the truth and so the God… That’s sufficient for me. I suffered my baby enough with negative energy, I don’t want it anymore.

A: One day, you and Can could come together and live in happiness?

M: It’s very important to forgive someone. This is valid for everybody. Otherwise this can be a big height. It’s not possible to be together again, it’s over. But energetically I will forgive him.
A: Is it true, you commited suicite? 

M: Yes, it’s true.
A: When?

M: At night by Antalya Television rewards. I throw my reward to the walls and everywhere in the hotel room. I was kind of mad, cut all my body.

A: were you alone?

M: No, Can was by me. I wanted to bounce down the balcony. I wanted to be no existent, I wanted to be dead. I was sick in my mind.

A: How did it come to this point?

M: My work, my private life. It happened so much things.. I couldn’t bear it anymore.

A: Maybe what had happened in your private life pulled the trigger?
M: No. I cannot make responsible just one person for that, it would be wrong. Since I came to Turkey I’ve made many mistakes. I couldn’t build a “a sweet home” environment. They wanted give me an apartment but I said no, and that was wrong. I started to work like a machine. The first season was very difficult, like every TV-series, everything was new and it was nothing regular concerning team and the work. Even tough when I think I’m a half Turk, the language and culture was not familiar. Lack of sleep can also destroy someone and that was constantly. I am a perfectionist concerning my job, I didn’t want to forget the lines for the next day during the shooting, what other Turkish origin performers needed to memorize the lines only 30 minutes, I needed the whole night till in the morning. The second season was also highly difficult for me. Meral (Okay) got ill. During her illness, the script and places has been changed several times, we have suffered as a team. This was no one’s fault actually. We went through hard times. There were a lot of people around me but I felt alone all the time. 
A: And friends?

M: there was and there was not. Real friendship and someone you can really trust actually was not there. I am a susceptible person, this is my character. On the other hand that helps me to perform my film character, I can feel it. The Character Hürrem is very difficult to perform in deed and very opposite to me. I don’t want to say the Hürrem character is very strong and I’m not, I have also strong sides but at the end we are quite different, to be Hürrem was not easy and I gave everything, I lived for Hürrem. Now I am starting to cry when I see a photo of Hürrem, it vibrates me. My problem was, myself the Meryem was no more there, three years actually lived as Hürrem and last months I was not strong enough to perform this character, I felt empty in my side, there was nothing more there. I am a woman, like every woman I desire a man who would complete me, someone who I can lean my back. There was someone there who impressed me very much as a man, but he doesn’t know it. Anyway my feelings were platonic upon him, nothing happened and I was still alone. Actually I longed for someone who was trusty, someone who I would feel comfortable being with. 

A: And you couldn’t find?

M: Yes, I couldn’t find. You know there are a lot of woman like me. Relationships between men and women are full with imbalanced energy in Turkey. To be a woman with this strange sexual energy is very difficult, you feel not comfortable as a woman, you cannot trust anyone, you cannot read their minds, you feel you have to protect yourself all the time. In Germany I have friends in every social class, this is different in Turkey, you can have friends in different classes, it’s like cast-system in India. I had trouble all the time and I couldn’t fully understand, solve this culture. 

A: How did you meet Can?

M: As you know I’ve been working with Nebahat Cehre, she is a great actress. She introduced us. 

A: I should ask this question at the end but I am asking now; do you still love him?

M: No. I loved a man and this man was not existent. I idealized him, like idealizing a picture, nothing behind. With time I felt in love and suffered with love pain. He was my everything and I forgot myself and his being was more important as my being. 
Unfortunately I was in love in a wrong man.

A: okay, but that was your choice.

M: of course! I cannot say everything’s Can’s fault. I would never say that. He is not the only reason that I got ill. It would not be fair to say so. It was the third year in Turkey when we have been introduced to us. At that time I was not physical, emotional, psychological strength enough. When Can entered into my life I didn’t ask to myself; “who is this man?”, “How is he?” “Is he someone who fits to me?”. I didn’t researched. Someone have said to me: “are you crazy, why don’t you search in Google first, He won’t make you happy. He is a playboy and he is always together with different beautiful women” . Usually I never search a man in Goggle before I meet, that was strange to me.

A: And then?

M: We met us 2-3 times first. My feelings said all the time,” be just friends and nothing more”. I felt his life doesn’t match to mine. Even when we were at the balcony in his apartment at Bebek, I said to him; “Can, let us be just friends”. He said “ Its ok, don’t worry about it”. Then my life was the same again; Film-studio-hotel, film-studio-hotel, monotony and loneliness again. Then one day he texted me; “Let’s go out and to get something to eat and added at the of the text “just as friends” , he caught me in a weak moment as I felt so lonely, I shouldn’t accept his offer but there was someone who was interested in me, who liked me and I didn’t care to my inner voice and just accepted. With this, our relationship has been started then later I fell in love. During my burn-out treatment in Germany my psychologist asked to me; “What do you think, Why did you fell in love in this man? Would you do that when you were in Germany?, at first I couldn’t give an answer, but now when I look back probably I wouldn’t do that.

A: How it does proceed the relationship then?

M: At the beginning Can was positive. I thought he will give me energy, power. He will protect me emotionally. 

A: Didn’t’ happened like you thought?

M: No, just opposite. After a while I saw a man, depressive, with problems, distress and annoyance. My “nurse” feelings raised and I felt sorry for him. I wanted to support him; I thought “Nobody know him very well, he is sensitive, he feels pain” I tried to help him anywhere I could. I tried him to be on his feed again emotionally. But the truth is: I was in deed weak myself, after that I was more weaker and I didn’t want to show him. Only his interests were important, it didn’t matter if I had shootings in the studio or shooting for commercials. We started to live his life and after 11 months our relationship choked up anyhow. 

A: And pregnancy?

M: that was not on our plan, it was an accident.

A: but birth control..

M: I’m sensitive for hormones, I cannot take pills. We had a special technique, it wasn’t very risky but also wasn’t fully safe. I mentioned a couple of times that I don’t feel comfortable and safe but he was confident about this. He had always right, he said nothing will happen but it happened.

A: Did you want to be pregnant?

M: never! I had one more season as Hürrem, how would I do that in pregnancy. Absolutely not.

A: do you thing about marriage?

M: No. Marriage is a hard thing because you need almost a soulmate as spouse. At the beginning of our relationship I said to him; the marriage, not necessarily but I have to admit I wouldn’t say no for living together. 

A: He didn’t want to marry you?

M: No, he never wants to marry. 

A: Why?

M: Because, it limits his freedom. He wanted go out with me, to the restaurants, Càfes. That’s all. After that he went home and I back to my hotel…

A: Was that the kind of relationship which you imagined for yourself?

M: of course not. We ate together; we hade good time together and then apart. I hadn’t felt I was home. I was only a visitor. When I thing back, I realize we hadn’t a real relationship, we just hung around. But don’t misunderstand me; He liked to be with me, he liked to be seen with me but he acted always as not to like to be seen with me. But he liked that the photographers took our pictures. One day we were at a Càfe, all of a sudden in front of Càfe was full of reporters. I was in a panic and I asked to Càfe owner for a backdoor. Can was very angry with me, he said; we have only 100 meter to walk so it’s not necessary to ask for a backdoor. In this moment I realized he want to be photographed.

A: During this 11 months relationship, you didn’t ask to move in together?

M: Yes, I asked but every time he had excuses. “It is not the time yet”, “give me some time”, “But believe me I love you very much.” Actually I’m not so stupid but he kind of convinced me every time that he loves me. But nothing changed. Time passed and I was much unhappy. I would hear my inner voice constantly “It’s something wrong”. Sometimes instincts know better. You cannot lie to yourself.
And the day has arrived; I was done. I couldn’t bear anything more.

ESCAPED LIKE WOUNDED ANIMAL

A: in the meanwhile you tried to lose weight didn’t you? Was that a request from production?

M: No, absolutely not. Production was satisfied with my weight. Can was not satisfied. He said “I find you no more sexually attractive” “It would be better when you would lose couple of kilos” “I should not misunderstand it what he says, he says that for my goodness” “I was a little bit skinnier before” .
During our relationship I lost the rest of my self-confidence., I hated myself. 

He also didn’t like what I wore. I started with diet, worked with a specialist and lost weight. It was a trauma, two years shuttling between the Hotel and studio. To be alone again meant to me, go back to this trauma again. 5-6 days I was alone and unhappy and one day in a week we were together again and I was happy. I accepted that for a while but time I suffered a lot. At the end I was done.

I WAS WRETCHED 

AYSE ARMAN: Well, pregnancy;

MERYEM: We had a big fight in Bodrum. We were on a boat, someone had a birthday party. All of a sudden he left. He left me alone on that boat. I hadn’t money by me, I didn’t know anybody. I didn’t know how could I get a taxi. A German friend of mine has also accompanied us, she was also surprised in a bad way. I was wretched. Can you imagine tombs under my eyes and 7 kilos lighter then today. I went back to Istanbul, I was lucky because my German friend accompanied me to the hotel room, otherwise I would try to kill myself same as in Antalya. I realized I am trying to commit suiside again, I thought , no,no I will not end like this, I have to leave immediately, I have to out of this chaos. I started to have strange toughts ; like “everybody use me” “I can’t trust anybody”. “everybody wants to do something bad to me”. The doctor said, I must immediately undergo treatment. Eventually I escaped. I escaped like a 5 years old kid, to save my life.

A: Oh, God. You were really in a bad condition. After we heard you didn’t come back from Germany for shootings for the new episode, your ex has said it was a burn-out syndrome because of the heavy working conditions.

M: Before his statement he called me. He said “Everybody calls me and ask about your health. I said “I am in hospital and under treatment, I will get better soon” he can give statement like this. After that I saw his statement, what’s that!!! “ horrible and inhuman working conditions, my unconsciousness on the set, the money was unsufficient” etc. etc. etc. 

I’VE BEEN MISUNDERSTOOD!
A: But you had a statement during awards in Antalya..

M: Yes, I said the episodes are too long. But last year Halit has also complained about that.Either Okan. Of course they explain something in Turkish better than me. My Turkish possibly leads to missunderstandings sometimes. But to cut the matter short: I escaped, because I wanted to save my life!!!

A: When did know you were pregnant?

M: When I was in Germany, he visited me three times and not every weekend as people say. The last visit was on 20. Jun. He asked; “What happened to you, your breast are a little bit bigger then usual”
I said, “Because I’m fat. I didn’t even think of the pregnancy. Zero chance. He said “make a pregnancy check”. I thought he is joking. Nevertheless I went to a pharmacy and made the test and I couldn’t believe it!! Two lines!! I was pregnant!! 

by: Greta Palinkas